Going out again after a long-term breakup

The end of a long-term relationship can feel like bereavement, whether you caused the breakup or not. You won’t get over your ex overnight, especially if you’ve lived together, but there are steps you can take to come to terms with the breakup and start dating again.

Remember, dating doesn’t have to result in a relationship and going out just for fun is perfectly acceptable as long as everyone is aware of the situation. Below, psychologists offer their advice for recovering from a breakup and preparing for re-entering the dating scene.

gain perspective

Greg Kushnick, a psychologist from New York City, narrated news week that you should talk to people in your life who can help you gain perspective on your past relationship. You should try to understand what went wrong, which behavior of your partner you did not like and which of your own behavior was inappropriate.

“Make an effort to understand what relationship dynamics have worked for you and what you want to avoid in your future partner,” he said. Friends and others close to you can “help you with your blind spots.”

If you don’t, Kushnick added, you’re likely to repeat the same unhealthy dynamic and your next relationship will end similarly.

Expand your social network

You need your friends around after a breakup, not only for their support and insight, but also because they can help you meet new people or get you back on the dating scene after years off the market.

If your friends aren’t around, perhaps because you moved after the breakup, look to communities for like-minded people who share your interests.

Chloe Carmichael, psychologist and author of dr Chloe’s 10 commandments of dating, recommended to search online for social events in your area. You can also look into night classes, social clubs, fitness classes – anything you enjoy doing as long as you put a real effort into connecting with new people.

Keep in touch with old friends too, Carmichael advised, even if it has to be via Zoom or phone calls. “Maybe you plan a 10am walk with a friend where you put on your headset. They will go for walks and explore your new city, but you will have a buddy on the phone with you, and you can just tell them what you see, how you’re feeling, and ask what’s going on with them in their lives too. “

Get to know your values

Before you start a new relationship, you should find out what is really important to you.

Kushnick said, “Get to know your values ​​on another level. Start with the values ​​that are most important to you in a partner. What lessons did you learn from your last relationship? What kind of resentment do you hold onto in relation to your last partner? What can you take responsibility for in terms of the parts of your last relationship that didn’t work out?”

Again, friends can help with this process. Carmichael said: “Sometimes reluctance to reboot can come from an awareness that there is important work to be done before dating again. So reading books about relationships, talking to friends—or therapists—can be helpful.”

Try something new

New experiences come in handy when you’re recuperating, Carmichael says, whether traveling to a country you’ve never visited before, signing up for a salsa class, or simply having dinner in a different part of town.

“One of the things that can happen in a relationship is that in a way, the person can become our source of excitement or growth. So we have to remember that there are other experiences in the world, other people in the world — just really cultivating a sense of novelty.”

A change of scenery makes sense, too, because so many familiar places will remind you of your ex. “Many of the physical spaces of your life almost become what psychologists call ‘environmental cues’ to remember that person,” Carmichael said.

Create dating profiles

Setting up profiles on dating apps can help you make yourself and other people feel different — and you don’t have to start swiping right away.

“Maybe your ex never paid you much attention and never complimented you, and all of a sudden you’re hanging out with new people who are like, ‘Wow, you look good tonight,'” Carmichael said. These experiences will help you see the benefits of progress and give you something to be happy about.

Even just writing the profiles – maybe with the help of friends – “can be stimulating for some people in a good way,” she added. “And when you’re ready, you can flip the switch and activate them.”

Date in a ‘lighter’ way

Carmichael also suggested “deliberately going out in an easier than relationship-focused way if you don’t feel ready to jump in with both feet.”

A rebound relationship is not a good idea. It “implies that you’re going deeper into a relationship with someone, and it’s really just there to cover up the pain and loss of your previous relationship, which makes it sound more like you’re avoiding dealing with things.” that you need to deal with.”

However, a casual rebound dating to have fun and get new experiences with different people might be just what you need.

“Keep things a little lighter just to remember there are other people out there and see how it feels to be out with other people,” she said.

“If something develops, then OK. Sometimes people find a good, committed relationship surprisingly quickly after someone left them.”

Kushnick added that once you get back out there, you need to manage your expectations. “Reacquaint yourself with what it feels like to be open and vulnerable in a dating context,” he said. Remember that after a breakup you should “be sensitive, nostalgic and reserved about starting dating again”.