I am a 42 year old happily married man (15 years) with children. I adore my wife. There is one man in our circle of friends who is often (especially when drinking) inappropriate with all the women in the group. Examples include shoulder rubs, sexually aggressive hugs, following the girls to quieter, more discreet areas of the party to chat, sexually charged comments, flirtatious eye contact from across the room, etc. I explained to my wife that his behavior made me uncomfortable is; I would prefer that she does her best not to take part in his creepy flirting. My wife was offended.
Part of me thinks she enjoys the attention, especially since he’s funny, handsome, and friendly. Long story long, we’ve been avoiding this guy and his family who’s been hurting us socially for a few weeks. I happened to be using my wife’s phone to find my phone when he was texting her. It was one of those avatars of himself shouting “Happy Mother’s Day!” I opened the phone and there were other messages: “Happy Birthday, I hope your husband does something special for you.” The other texts were links to articles and carpooling information. For me, that’s over the limit now. I don’t text my friends’ wives. I also think my wife should have told me he texted her, especially after I voiced my concerns.
My instinct tells me something is wrong. I’m not an anxious person, but when we’re around this family I do tweak things. I feel like I’m the bad guy – or that when I do something I come off as aggressive and overprotective. I do not know what to do.
Side note: I have trust issues due to childhood trauma. Is that something or nothing. any advice?
– Something or nothing
You say you don’t text your friends’ wives. But… do you text your own friends?
Is it possible that your wife and this man had one actual friendship? Then the article links make sense. So also harmless Bitmojis. The lyrics “I hope your husband does something nice for you” kind of drives me nuts, but in a more eye-rolling way (but that’s just me).
The missing information here is how your wife feels about the attention. You say she was offended when you mentioned avoiding this man. Is that because you’ve taken on the burden of setting boundaries? she – close she comfortable? Maybe the problem is that you did that about yourself instead of asking her what she thought of the whole thing.
Ask her about the friendship and how she wants to proceed. Tell her you feel like you went about the first conversation the wrong way. Listen to her response and explain that it’s also okay if she needs to think about her feelings before sharing them.
Really, it’s time to listen instead of jumping to conclusions.
If you’re on the same page when it comes to taking this man’s space, you can invite a few people over on your terms. The one large group isn’t the only way to be social.
Also remember that it is a good time for counseling – to process this trauma and to practice communication skills. It helps you figure out what something or a whole lot of nothing is.
Reader? What do you think is happening here? Would you talk about the lyrics? Do you have someone like that in your circle of friends?
https://loveletters.boston.com/2022/05/i-think-this-friend-is-flirting-with-my-wife.html I think this friend is flirting with my wife