I want more control over when we get engaged

Hello Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and live together. We are both 29. Our families and I always joke with him that he should propose soon. It’s a running joke in our house at this point, but as with most jokes, there’s some truth to it. Getting engaged is something I think about and wish for every day. It feels silly to be so committed and in love and living together just to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t know how to describe it other than it feels like our relationship is more than that.

We talked about it seriously last fall and he said his ideal timeline was the summer of 2023, but I said I’d like it sooner. I know I don’t plan it or pay for it, but I’d like to think my ideal schedule plays a part here too. Last night we were talking about getting engaged and I asked again about his schedule. He said next spring. So… as close as possible to the summer of 2023.

I was pretty disappointed, which feels silly. I know a lot goes into planning an engagement and I’m sure he has a plan he’s looking forward to, but I’m upset that this only appears to be an area of ​​my life that I have no control over. When I said I was disappointed he said he could be persuaded to propose earlier which made me very sad. Nobody wants to have to to convince her significant other to do that. Now it feels like a topic not to be talked about. Next spring still feels like a long wait to me, but I also don’t want to sit down and convince someone to propose sooner. Part of me thinks I should just drop it, and it will happen when it happens. I hope you have some helpful insight.

– Bare fingers 4ever

“I know I’m not planning it or paying for it.”

This seems relevant (and I assume you mean the proposal/ring and not the wedding).

The way I see it is that you can do these pre-wedding rituals like they do in certain movies where an engagement is all about surprise, grand gestures and a gift, or you can make something spontaneous out of your plans together. After all, what is an engagement? For some, it’s a social media op. For others, a journey to marriage begins where even more will be shared. Think about what it is for you.

And what about the rest of your future? What else are you saving for? what about family Geography? This ring and this question are on a much longer list of goals. What kind of proposal makes sense when you think about the big picture?

If you want version A where you get the grand gesture and the suggestion is everything him to present something she, you’re on his timeline. But if you want to be two partners planning this as a team, you can tell him that. It’s not about convincing, it’s about being honest about values. Some might say this takes away the romance, but I think it’s more romantic for partners to talk about goals and a schedule than to observe a tradition that doesn’t make them feel good. You’re not feeling well right now, and maybe he isn’t either.

I can’t tell you that the surprising “It’s up to him” suggestion sounds wrong to others, but it doesn’t sound right to you. Perhaps ask him to sit down with you to discuss post-marriage goals. Then work backwards. Set a precedent by making big decisions together. He can still surprise you with the how and where, but the when… that’s what you want to find out together.

– Meredith

Reader? Married, how did you do it? Was it a big surprise that only one person planned? Was it a conversation? Help this letter writer consider other options.

https://loveletters.boston.com/2022/05/i-want-more-control-over-when-we-get-engaged.html I want more control over when we get engaged

Lindsay Lowe

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