Thousands of internet commenters quickly called a partner for refusing to intervene when her mother started insulting her husband and mother.
In a viral Reddit post published on r/AmITeA**hole, Redditor u/Genuinely-Optimistic (aka Original Poster or OP) said her husband and mother have had a toxic relationship for a long time, and detailed, how tensions almost boiled over at a recent Mother’s Day celebration.
Captioned: “[Am I the a**hole] for telling my husband it’s time to fight my mom?” The post has received more than 5,700 votes and 2,300 comments in the last 12 hours.
Beginning by explaining that her husband and mother “argue all the time,” the original poster said her mother often instigated confrontations, prompting her husband to quickly escalate the situation.
“It’s exhausting for the whole family and they don’t even fight over something worthwhile, they just pick at each other’s words,” the OP wrote. “My husband has often told me that the solution is for him to stop going to my mother’s house with me [but] I rejected this solution because it is neither practical nor suitable [the] long term.”
On Sunday, the original poster said her family had gathered at her mother’s house for a Mother’s Day dinner. During the meal, the original poster said her mother relentlessly spat insults at her husband’s mother.
“Mom noticeably started commenting on my husband’s mom, implying that she hated her kids and wasn’t proud to be a mom,” the OP wrote. “But my husband wanted to answer [I] whispered to him to let it go and stay calm.”
“He did,” OP added. “He still looked visibly upset but didn’t say a word, leading me to believe my solution was working.”
However, when the couple returned home, the original poster quickly learned that their solution hadn’t worked and only upset her husband more.
“He started throwing a fit because I was watching my mom insult his and didn’t want him to respond,” the OP wrote. “I snapped at him and told him he was being childish.”
“He tried to find excuses saying my mother created this situation and trying to say everything [the] I blame her,” OP wrote. “I told him he’s not a saint either, he has his moments and has a habit of letting things happen.”
“I told him he had a problem with her and that it was about time [to] argue with her once and for all,” OP continued. “He kind of looked like I just insulted him and told myself I was wrong because this is my mom and it’s my JOB to put an end to her shenanigans.”
“I told him he was an adult [and] Why would I defend him while he’s hiding behind me?” OP added.
Dealing with an overbearing, overly critical mother-in-law can be a nightmare for both married men and women.
In March, parenting website We Have Kids published a list of 14 harmful behaviors that toxic mothers-in-law exhibit. These included behaviors ranging from rejection to repeated slander tactics to an expectation of complete subservience.
However, one behavior stands out from the others.
Posted under the caption, “She’s vengeful, spiteful, resentful, and punitive,” the eleventh toxic trait listed by We Have Kids pointed directly to mothers-in-law emotionally assaulting their child’s spouse.
“If she feels threatened by you, she’ll find a thousand ways to make you suffer for it,” states the We Have Kids website. “Get ready for guilt, silent treatment, blame, button-pushing, and manipulation.”
In response to the viral Reddit post, many Redditors insisted that the original poster’s mother exhibited many of these toxic behaviors, and ripped OP for allowing her to continue verbally abusing her husband while they were trying to get each other to be absolved of any guilt.
In the top comment on the post, which garnered nearly 26,000 votes, Redditor u/_ewan_ assured the original poster that they deserve at least some of the blame for the ongoing family tensions.
“OK, so your mom starts shitting… And you ask your husband not to defend himself… And then you refuse to defend him, too,” they wrote. “In this scenario, who’s supposed to stop your mother’s shit? The answer seems to be: ‘Nobody, he should just shut up and take it forever. and at this point yes [you’re the a**hole].”
Redditor u/crockofpot, whose comment garnered more than 6,000 votes, also focused on the original poster’s refusal to defend her husband against her mother.
“How on earth are you going to try and play the ‘you’re an adult’ card when you’re acting like a cowardly little kid who can’t say a word to mom?” they questioned. “You admit that she is the aggressor and instigator, and you expect your husband to, eh?
“Stop holding your mother’s coat while she bullies your husband,” they added.
In a separate answer that received almost 4,000 upvotes, Redditor u/LeastDragonfly4247 reiterated this opinion.
“What’s wrong with you?” they commented. “Your mom keeps picking fights with your husband, and instead of talking to your mom about it and setting boundaries, you tell your husband to shut up and take it instead?”
“[You’re the a**hole]”, they added. “A huge one.”
news week contacted u/Genuinely-Optimistic for comment.
https://www.newsweek.com/ignore-her-partner-dragged-not-defending-husband-moms-insults-1706633 Partner pulled for not defending husband from insults from his mother